I have a confession to make - I have seen pornography. Sorry, Mum, I've failed you. In rambling defence of my raincoat-attired indiscretions, though, I must say that I have, for the most part, been thoroughly underwhelmed with what I have seen. It's all so routine; a few grunts, some contorted faces and a forehead of ker-splat to finish it off (Why always the forehead? WHY!). Naturally, with a vast amount of time currently on my hairy little palms, I began to contemplate how skin-flicks could be improved. In order to discern the failings of todays smut, I decided to look at the drawcards of less niche-market cinema. In my opinion, the popularity of todays blockbuster consists of three main components; special effects, action scenes, and star power. And so, as the plucking of harp strings whisks us whimsically away into the world of porn fantasy, let's liberally apply each of these factors, and see if we can drag filth out of the gutter, and into the seedy alleyway where it belongs.

If any genre has been crying out for special effects, it's the blue movie. Who could fail to be impressed by x number of people rocking the kazbar while that 360-degree-rotating-freeze-frame effect from the Matrix zooms around them? It doesn't stop at clever photography either. Think back to the most fantasteriffic special effect of the 90s - the morphing in Terminator 2. Remember that scene where Arnie punches the T-1000, only to have his fist stuck while his cyborg opponent morphs to grab him in both hands? With a simple switch of appendages, this scene can be transplanted directly into any porno you care to mention with disturbing success. All this without even mentioning the possibility of CGI actors. I get palpitations just thinking about the number of holes the lasses could have.

By itself, though, eye candy is not enough to raise porn's profile; EXPLODING eye candy is what's needed. Some may argue that action scenes are already a part of pornography. However, I choose not to quibble with people who obviously spend far too much of their time viewing obscenities in darkened rooms. In any case, I am referring to activity during the actual nookie-partaking. Why have a simply roll in the hay, when you can have a roll on a runaway stagecoach? I assure you, the simple act of lovemaking can never compare to a coupling amidst a ninja gang war. Like electromagnetism, it's one of the fundamental principles of nature: porn + big A-team style explosions = audience going crazy. Mess with this law, and you're bound to open some portal to another dimension where people have celery for heads. I don't want celery for a head. So let's make action scenes a part of porno, okay.

Finally, it's about time the crowd-pulling attraction of big name actors was applied to porn. I am certain that copies of Skanky Sluts #7 would walk off the shelves with Julia Roberts' uncannily appropriate mug adorning the cover. Of course, her acting would no doubt drag down the performances of the other porn stars (as is her tendency), but by the time anyone notices, the units will have shifted. At least the classification of romantic comedy is vaguely applicable in this case. As for the gentlemen, the law of the buddy movie states that two protagonists are required (mismatched, of course, to maximise the potential for hilarious circumstances). That way, while the Judge Reinhold-esque character plods along, sticking to procedure, the Eddie Murphy type can perform outrageous banana-in-the-tailpipe stunts. It's a combination that has always won the crowd over, and I see no reason why graphic hardcore should be its downfall.

Porn has always been somewhat disreputable, what with all the accusations of degrading women and questionable moustache decorum, but that's no reason for it to fail. With a fresh makeover, the porn industry could become, if not respectable, then at least hugely popular. If you think it can't happen, just take a look at those movies where monkeys are dressed up as people. Sure, they demean the natural dignity of our simian relatives, but when the chimps make those kissy faces in a dress, who can help but laugh? That's exactly what porn needs - its own pair of pouting monkey lips. And as soon as it finally puckers up, the compulsion to enjoy will be too great to resist.