Sensory Deprivation


by Tim Howard

Good news: Now you can get drunk every night and not have to deal with a hangover the next day! This is thanks to Australian scientists and their wonderful new invention, Alcodol, a non-prescription hangover preventative that is available now from all caring family chemists. So - why arent you drunk yet?

The slim, opaque Alcodol capsules contain a "patented mixture of 100% natural substances designed to alleviate the adverse effects of alcohol." The idea is to boost your levels of fructose, glucose and the various other vitamins and minerals your body is busy consuming and voiding while you sit around sinking juice and making an idiot of yourself. The recommended dosage is two capsules before drinking, and one after, "if required". Upon waking, if you're not straight out of bed doing star jumps and one-arm push-ups, you can take another two capsules. Strangely, the packet doesnt mention what happens if you scarf down all six capsules in one go. Instant death? Warts? Nothing?

For a while after its release, actual samples of Alcodol were hard to locate. Most chemists had never heard of it ("But you must have heard of it! Its a wonderdrug!"). Others simply shrugged and said they hadn't any in stock yet. After some gentle lobbying, my local chemist ordered some in and, he tells me, watched them sell faster than a wheelbarrow full of doughnuts smuggled into a fat farm. Now, of course, the stuff is everywhere - you walk into a chemist and they've got three display boxes on each counter.

JB sinks his first brew of the evening.

Once I possessed this supposed "miracle" drug, it was time for a bit of home experimentation. I invited a friend over - Jon Buckingham, former ringleader of the infamous Box Hill Four - and explained the effects of Alcodol and the potential positive ramifications if it were to prove effective. He seemed pretty keen on the whole "no hangovers" thing, but unfortunately for him I was the one who had shelled out for the Alcodol, so I was the one taking it. Jon, brave as always, accepted his status as "control subject" in the experiment, and we commenced drinking.

We polished off a couple of six packs before I kicked Jon out. I figured the sooner I could take another capsule and get to bed, the sooner I would discover the truth about Alcodol. And indeed when I woke around eight-thirty the next morning I was feeling fine. Not a hint of a headache, no gut grumbles or joint aches. Nothing. I jumped out of bed, did some star jumps and one-arm push-ups, and got on with my day. Later in the week I asked Jon how he had fared. Mild hangover, he replied. The results of the experiment were conclusive and I felt comfortable proclaiming Alcodol this centurys greatest invention to date.

There are limitations. Alcodol is fine when the drinking is light and casual, but is ineffectual once your blood-alcohol reaches bender mass. There's a point where little can be done to save you from a nasty hangover, and the marketing makes it clear that Alcodol wont change that. But if you, like me, generally drink to a reasonably sensible limit, or even a tad beyond that, then Alcodol is a worthwhile investment.

This is an unbiased product review. However, bioRevive Pty. Ltd., the makers of Alcodol, are invited to get in touch and perhaps negotiate payment for a biased product review. Thanks.