Sensory Deprivation
Nikki Webster


A projected career arc

2000 - Delights a worldwide audience with her starring role in the Sydney Olympics Opening Ceremony.

2001 - Delights a considerably smaller audience with her debut single Strawberry Kisses, which, despite (or because of) some of the creepiest, pedophile-baiting lyrics since I Want Candy, reaches number one on the national charts.

2002 - Celebrates her 15th birthday with a visit to Michael Jackson's Never-Neverland Ranch. A Jackson spokes-chimp later announces the couples engagement.

2003 - Nikki Webster-Jackson-Bubbles tours Australia with INXS performing selections from the Elton John songbook.

When told Webster was to visit, Jackson exclaimed, "I used to love that show! Such a cute lil guy."

2004 - Amid intrusive tabloid coverage, Michael and Nikki divorce after only a year of marriage. The couple cites "irreconcilable differences" and "too much weird, creepy shit going on" as their main reasons. A despondent Webster returns to Australia where she goes into hiding.

2005 - A despondent Webster criticises the Australian media for ignoring her stalling career. "I feel like nobody cares - its not as though I'm in hiding," she opines in an open letter published as the wacky back cover fold-up in Australian MAD Magazine.

2007 - After a nationwide tour of RSL clubs fails to re-ignite her flagging prospects, Webster appears nude in Black&White Magazine. She tells Melbourne's Daily Fascist, "The shots are really tasteful, very classy." The magazines devoted readership of arty perverts agrees, and copies of the issue sit untouched on newsagent shelves.

2015 - Having spent the best part of a decade in obscurity, Webster is rediscovered by Molly Meldrum, who, along with Les Gock and Red Simons, writes and produces Webster's comeback album - a mature, adult work titled Sweeter Than Candy. The record flops, prompting a depressed Meldrum to slash Gock's wrists. Webster, fearing Meldrum's wrath, heads back to suburbia, where she spends her remaining years raising her twelve kids with their father, Johnny Young.