Features (Last updated 13/5/02)
Making a High Prophet - If you think Scientology is some crazy, bullshit religion designed to separate the gullible from their cash, then you're only half-way there. Scientology is far weirder than all that, even without mentioning John Travolta's jowls. Jon Buckingham spent an afternoon getting personal with the followers of L. Ron, and survived to write this report. He really should stop going along with strange men who approach him in the street...
Nikki Webster: A Projected Career Arc - She's a one-person young talent team, brimming with energy, enthusiasm and charm. She's a star of stage and screen, with a hit song and album to her name and the world at her feet. She's achieved a level of success most of us will never know, and she's got a delightful smile, too. Yes, it's not only ok to hate Nikki Webster, frankly it should be encouraged. So let's make fun of this defenceless little girl by speculating about her downfall. Classy.
Alcodol - Wowsers claim the only way to avoid a hangover is to abstain from drinking. Tim Howard has discovered a better option that lets you drink and keep your head together. What's more it's an Australian invention, which just goes to show that being stereotyped as a nation of drunks can occasionally have an unexpected impact on our scientific thinking.
The Kid & I - Family values campaigners and other such warriors of virtue continually assert that today's Hollywood movies give kids bad ideas that can lead to violence, drug use, and the non-ironic use of the word "dude". Back in Tim Howard's younger days, however, movies caused him to imitate Ralph Macchio and seek the company of elderly Japanese men. Hmmm.
Today, Tonight, Whenever - Spurious gossip about the private lives of innocent celebrities is not only childish and hurtful, but often dead funny too. The old maxim that any publicity is good publicity may sound clever in theory, but it's fair to assume that whoever came up with it had never been the subject of a malicious Chinese whisper suggesting they'd copulated with a Coke bottle. Tim Howard explains. Sort of.
Contestants wanted! - The latest game show sensation is here, and you're invited to take part! So leave your dignity and principles at the door and sign on for fun!
Corolla'n Out the Door - Automotive journalism. Hop in a car, drive it around for a while, think of a headline (preferably incorporating an excrutiating pun), and Bob's your obese, flatulent relative. Here, in our contribution to the auto-journo corpus, Tim Howard test drives the 1984 Toyota Corolla. See, that title makes hilarious sense now, right?
The Greatest Novelist of His Generation - Con Cuscino shares the inside story of his meteoric rise to fame and fortune, and some of the sexy adventures he had along the way. Con's a famous novelist, you see, and, well, it's probably best you just read it for yourself.
The Dentistry-driven Fall of Mankind
- Having your wisdom teeth pulled is not only painful, but could spell the end of the human race. No, really. Andrew Stent
The Trouble with Porn
- Trouble? With porn
? Uh oh, sounds like some indignant prude is about to have a go at skin flicks, doesn't it? Rest assured, though, because despite his claims to the contrary, "Hardcore-Porn-Action" is Andrew Stent'
s middle name, and this article is chock full of just that! Aroused? You will be...
Plastic People - Mannequins are just like you and me, except they're made of plastic and want to murder everybody. Tim Howard exposes the truth they dont want you to know.
...And the Hairy Shall Inherit the Earth - We've had enough of goatees and pointy sideburns and handlebar moustaches - its time for some facial hair with balls! Lucky for us Andrew Stent has come up with some innovative new styles that will give you beard rash just thinking about them!
Selling Your Pound of Flesh - Sick of workin' for da man? Want to be an owner-operator? Hey, you've got a potential cash bonanza just sitting there wasting its time keeping you alive and functioning, so get out there and flog it off to the highest bidder! Andrew Stent has the answers to all your organ donation questions.